Ulrik Kaumonoaidi

[LoLotov]

Ulrik was something like 6'4", just a damn monster, even by modern standards. He had always felt like his skills and abilities had come Very Easily to him, but who's complaining? He was strong, tireless, nimble, and blessed with keen senses. He learned just about all he tried at the pace of those who ended up specializing in those skills. But he never saw any need to limit himself.

He liked setting trap lines and fishing and wild plants and throwing sharp bits of wood at people, animals, trees, rocks and anything else that took his fancy, but what he liked most of all were the red and white-spotted mushrooms his grandfather had taught him were given to the people of the Unreal World by the great spirit of time and space, Noaidi. He would pick them whenever he saw them, and more often than not, eat them on the spot, regardless of what else he had planned for that day. So far, this hadn't caused many problems, besides a few sidelong glances from local maidens when he would come trading and, swooning with the effort of controlling his body, force stale, hallucinogenic fungi upon them as gifts.

One day however, our mighty hero made a fateful discovery while deciding whether or not it was worth the trouble to kill a rather smallish bear he had come across. Red and white-spotted mushrooms as far as the eye could see, mostly in bunches of three, some with as many as five. Determining that the bear was the least of his worries now, he picked thirty individual mushrooms, and made a very seriously implanted mental note of the location. He wandered home, but what is a young Kaumo Renaissance man to do with so many mushrooms?

Obviously he would make a mushroom soup, it was only logical; for that way, he would be able to visit his love Noaidi in an excitingly different way, and perhaps find her favors more invigorating than usual. This was indeed to be the case. He starved himself for a day, allowed the soup to simmer by the fire overnight, and guzzled every drop before ever stepping out of the house. Once he did step out though, he was struck by how many times he had been at this very spot, eating these very mycological spiritual-gateways. It was time for a change.

[LoLotov]

He yelled at the dogs to eat their breakfast and protect the cows, like they didn't do for poor Uhkeapovinen, who died in fear and pain. He began stripping his clothes and throwing them about the settlement, excited to feel at one with his universe again. He grabbed his bundle of javelins, his battle axe, one of the remaining mushrooms, and set off towards the great open mire a few kilometers to the west.

As he travelled, he felt the dreams come over him. His mind was visiting his Noaidi, and she was visiting the earth, shifting and shimmering and joyously using her time in the World, and they both came to the mire. He removed the last of his clothing, and began walking in an ever widening triangle centered on where he had first entered. And then it happened. In his total lack of attention to his surroundings, he had found someone else that was visiting the mire.

It was one of the Njerpez, a race Ulrik generally considered as decent quarry, but lacking in certain refinements of culture. They disregarded and mocked the mushrooms of Noaidi for one thing, which at the current time anyway, was the only thing. The world bounced, and the stunted trees quivered and danced with the shock of each jump. The red-clad man shouted an unprintable word and began firing arrows at our quite naked hero, which is a rather rude thing to do before you have inquired as to why your target is naked. Always one to answer rudeness in kind, he let off a stream of javelins the likes of which that poor Njerp (no more than half Ulrik's weight it would come to pass, a genuinely malnourished fellow) would not see again anytime soon.

[LoLotov]

There was a brief period of the traditional rifling through the corpse for valuables, and the world kept shimmering with Noaidi's grace, and then she disappeared, and the world collapsed into it's usual ugly, sulking self. There were inexplicable thoughts weaseling their way through Ulrik's brain.

Why did I drive all the way to Julmaneva? Out in the boonies, and I barely knew that girl, AND she left the party without saying where she was going... How long have I been in the bathroom? When did I eat those mushrooms? HOLY SHIT is that blood? This party is off the hook actually. OH SHIT it is blood, I killed a guy I guess. I'll take him back to Karkukolkka and figure out what to do. That is what a logical person would do. You are not tripping Ulrik, you are in control.

He picked up the Njerp's body and lurched out of the mire under the weight as paranoia coursed through him. The KRP was going to find him, and he had to dispose of the evidence. His cabin loomed in the distance, and he rushed inside. He pushed the body into the fire, piled his entire collection of firewood on top, and lit the flame. He put another pot of that soup on. Now to wait til morning, and the next update, so that he could finish pulverizing the half-charred bones of his grisly prey.